Read @ Your Own Risk

My Favorite Quotes: “Believe nothing that you hear and only half of what you see.” - “You are better than no one… and no one is better than you.” - “Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or a mom.” - “You don't know the true meaning of loneliness…until you’re married.” - “I was going to run away and join the circus and then I realized, my life *IS* a circus.” - “Those who view themselves as faultless in all things...are more imperfect than those they look down upon.” - “Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” - “I am too blessed to be stressed!” - “The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.” - “The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.” - “Adversity doesn’t make character…it reveals it.” - “Ego is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.” - “All men are animals, some just make better pets.” - “When you don’t feel like praying, pray until you do.” - “Forgive them...for they know not how DUMB they are.” - “Do not try to fit into the world or be part of the crowd. The worlds alive...is dead.” - “Witches are not born…they are made.” - “What goes around comes around.” - “It’s not ‘what’ you know, but ‘who’ you know.” - “The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.” - “The past is gone - learn from it...the future is distant - prepare for it...the present is here - live for it.” - “No one can offend me without my permission.” - “Don’t quote me on that.” - “Its not what you did do that you regret most...but what you didn’t do.” - “You always have time for what you put first.” - “Love is the feeling you feel when you feel you are feeling something you have never felt before.” - “If you’re feeling stressed, just spell it backwards and eat it and then you’ll feel better.” - “No one’s a virgin because life screws us all.” - “Grow your own dope. Plant a man.” - “To the world you may be just somebody, but to somebody you may be the world.” - “Many that live deserve death…and many that die deserve life. Can you choose?” - “I don’t care if you worship dirt as long as you are a good person. You become dirt and you got problems. ~Me~” - “All that is necessary for evil to prevail… is for good men to do nothing!” - “Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts his towel around his waist…what’s up with that?” - “He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.” - “Wise men learn more from dumb men, than dumb men learn from wise men.” - “Experience comes from poor judgment - poor judgment comes from inexperience.” - “Learn as if you are going to live forever. Live as if you are going to die tomorrow.” - “A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.” - “Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.” - “Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.” - “People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream -- what they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.” - “A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” - “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” - “The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.” - “Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- They already have boyfriends.” - “A day without sunshine is like, night” - “On the other hand, you have different fingers.” - “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.” - “42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.” - “99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” - “I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.” -“Honk if you love peace and quiet.” - “Remember, half the people you know are below average.” - “He who laughs last thinks slowest.” - “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” - “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” - “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” - “Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.” - “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.” - “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” - “Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.” - “Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!” - “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” - “Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!” - “If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.” - “How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…” - “OK, so what's the speed of dark?” - “How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?” - “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” - “When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.” - “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.” - “Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.” - “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” - “Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.” - “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” - “I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.” - “I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - “Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?” - “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.” - “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” - “Insanity is my only means of relaxation.” - “Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.” - “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.” - “Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.” - “You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.” - “Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.” - “One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.” - “God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.” - “It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.” - “If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.” - “Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it "closed for remodeling".*Caution - leave air holes.” - “I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.” - “There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.” - “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” - “Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.” - “The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.” - “Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.” - “The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.” - “The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.” - “Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.” - “Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.” - “Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.” - “Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.” - “If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.” - “You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.” - “I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.” - “I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.” - “Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.” - “It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.” - “Age is important only if you're cheese.” - “The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.” - “Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.” - “Opinions are like butt-holes. Everyone’s got one and most of ‘em stink.” - “Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.” - “Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?” - “Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.” - “Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.” - “Honk if you love peace and quiet.” - “Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.” - “Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?” - “Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.” - “He said, ‘I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.’ She said, ‘You wear pants don’t you?’” - “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” - “Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” - “Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.” - “You are what you think. You are what you go for. You are what you do!” - “Watch your thoughts; they become words. - Watch your words; they become actions. - Watch your actions; they become habits. - Watch your habits; they become character. - Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” - “To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.” - “Leadership is doing what is right when no one is watching.” - “I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.” - “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” - “Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” - “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” - “People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.” - “Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.” - “So long as there are men…there will be wars.” - “The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.” - “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” - “The search for truth is more precious than its possession.” - “The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” - “Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” - “The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.” - “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” - “I never think of the future. It comes soon enough” - “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” - “Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.” - “When the solution is simple, God is answering.” - “Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them...” - “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

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